Trump: The Musical

While watching the musical Hamilton last night and the wonderfully creative musical numbers that brought the story of American Founding Father Alexander Hamilton to life, I began musing what would it look like if a similar musical was applied to our current president.

I’m a pretty big fan of Broadway musicals and the different troupes they use so I began putting together an outline for Trump: The Musical and the songs that would tell the bizarre story of our 45th President.

Like Hamilton the branding title headline would be similar except instead of the silhouette of a Revolutionary War figure pointing towards heaven there would be the dark silhouette of a large man in a golf cart.

Act 1

“If I Had a Million Dollars”

Cover version of the hit BNL song.  A young Donald Trump interrupts his father’s important board meeting to ask to borrow a million dollars. Dancing around all the board members he completely ignores them to sing to his father all the things he would do with a million dollars including Trump hotels, Trump casinos, Trump Universities, and yes, even Trump steaks

“Art of the Deal”

Trump in the ‘80s and ‘90s expands his empire, has multiple marriages, all while keeping his scandals and bankruptcies on the down low. He privately admits to himself he’s struggling in the TV ratings as he enters a WWF wrestling match to hit a wrestler over the head with a chair.

“The Apprentice”

Trump gets new visibility as his reality TV show “The Apprentice” becomes a hit.  Trump sings about his success to his departed father who appears onstage from beyond the grave.  Trump’s father declares his son will be nothing more than “his” apprentice fuelling Donald’s insecurity to new levels.

“If I were President”  

Watching the Obama inauguration on television with disgust, Trump breaks out into a solo of all the things he would do if he were president.  Comical lyrics combining corporate deregulation with requiring Super Super Size meals at Burger King.

“He Ain’t No Real American”

Trump repeatedly accuses President Obama of faking his birth certificate all while Obama keeps countering with a larger and even more detailed birth certificate. (To comic effect)  Musical number ends with Evangelical leaders Franklin Graham, Jerry Falwell Jr. and Paula White watching the spectacle from Stage Right and declaring  “He just may be God’s Man”

“He Just May Be God’s Man” 

Franklin Graham, Jerry Falwell Jr., and Paula White musical medley singing  how Trump just may be God’s man to save America from the Muslims, gays, abortionists, environmentalists, and the socialists. They twist various Bible verses and Christian theology out context to make it all make sense and justify Christian support. Porn Star Stormy Daniels enters with a check for $100,000 but they just send her on her way off stage declaring “Boys will be boys, but he Just May Be God’s Man”

“Descending the Escalator”

Trump announces he is a candidate for President of the United States.  One by one he knocks his Republican primary challengers off the escalator using the various pet names he has for them. Lying Ted Cruz, Little Marco Rubio, Low Energy Jeb Bush etc. The number ends with Trump knocking “Crooked Hillary Clinton” off the escalator and is proclaimed President of the United States

Intermission.

Act 2

“Crowd Size (One Term President)”

The celebration of the inauguration of the 45th President of the United States is overshadowed by Trump’s irrational focus on the news agencies reporting smaller than expected crowd sizes.  Republican leaders watch the crazed president from side stage and privately sing whether they are watching the beginning of a one term president

“Helsinki” (Love Theme from Trump: The Musical)

While in Helsinki for a summit Trump and Vladimir Putin sing a romantic duet.  Trump confides to Putin that the Main Stream Media never stops picking on him.  Putin, holding his friend, advises Trump to just make the offending journalists “disappear”.  Trump bemoans the American liberal democracy that won’t allow him to make journalists “disappear”. Number closes with their arms around each other, staring up at the moon, and reminding themselves they will always have Helsinki

“Witch Hunt”

Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer conspire together, dancing and singing that between the Mueller Report and the President’s impeachment over his extortion of the Ukrainian president, they finally will be rid of Donald J. Trump once and for all.  Trump enters their gathering wearing Teflon armor and proclaiming that if he shot a man dead on live TV not only would he not lose his supporters but his TV ratings would go through the roof.  Large TV screens in the background announce Trump’s acquittal

“Crowd Size” (One Term President – reprise)

Empty seats at Trump’s reelection rally in Tulsa sends the President into a rage.  He fires his campaign manager and then just starts firing everyone around him including strangers on the street in the same manner as “The Apprentice”.  Republican leaders not only sing to the side whether this is, indeed, a one term president, but also if it will lead to the demise of the Republican Party.  Large screens in the back cycle through all the people Trump had fired in his administration since becoming President.

“Could We Start Again Please”

With the inauguration of President Biden, President Trump refuses to leave the Oval Office.  As Federal Marshalls prepare to storm the building Trump, Melania, Jared Kushner, and Ivanka sing Could We Start Again Please a cover from Jesus Christ Superstar re-imagined to talk about all the things Trump could have done different.  Jared, Melania, and Ivanka sing if he had treated others with dignity, acted with more patience, extended more grace?  It ends with them all going “NAH” as Federal troops break in!

“Tomorrow is a Better Day“

In the year 2220 a school class is preparing to celebrate the National Holiday “Trump Day”.  The teacher asks the class to explain the origins of the holiday. One by one the students sing how after the Trump presidency the American people came together and were united.  That Donald Trump had reminded them how precious liberal democracy, judicial transparency, a free press, diversity, and civility was and how close they had come to losing it.  Now on Trump Day Americans gather together regardless of race, religion, culture, or creed to share a meal together and remember that Tomorrow is a Better Day

Donald Trump enters from the stage left holding a bucket of chicken and nawing on a drumstick. He stops, looks out at the audience, winks, and states “And THAT’S how you get ratings”